Some ANC characters you may not have met

In response to the ANC’s latest tirade against “constipated anarchists” and the anarcho-syndicalist left, Medialternatives brings you some ruling party characters you may not have met

1. Bloated UberComrade (your new overlord)

Thinks all the other comrades are underneath or subhuman. With nine wives and counting this is no ordinary over-comrade. To hell with equality when you have several households to keep in bling, a royal appetite that knows no bounds, fatuously thinks the state coffer is his own personal bank account, hey isn’t that what the reconstituted SA state is all about? Socialism for the few, An injury to one is an injury to some? Bring the bling on. Eat the working class.

2. Bulemic Bling Commie (Credit card maxed out, living off Daddy’s capital intensive salary)

Ravenously dines at fancy restaurant day in and night out, then goes home to vomit and complain about the exploitation of the working class and the need for a dictatorship to pay off the credit card. Thinks she can save the world by giving everybody Evian or high-heeled shoes. Has absolutely no grasp of the situation in Myanmar or the Middle East. Believes the Gaza Strip is some kind of night club where other women take off their clothes.

3. Fatty Femmie (The Eternal Leecher)

Not even a socialist weight-watchers programme that introduces agrarian revolt along with a side salad can save this one from being obese. With the fat gene introduced by years of poaching off other peoples plates, Fatty Femmie follows her Soul brothers around leeching off the scraps at the dinner table. Needless to say, the scraps have never been this good, now that her Soul Brothers instituted Black-only Economic Empowerment.

4. Anorexic Working Class Peasant (Food of the Party)

Expected to provide free and surplus labour to the factories run by Feminist Fatty and her Bulemic Bling Comrades, this peasant is actually on a forced diet regimen and suffering from Anorexia Poveria Nervosa, a strange condition in which a person gets increasingly thin while thinking he or she is actually receiving a living wage and fat.

5. Soul Brother Skinster (Too Hip to be Political)

Black is the new cooler than thou, party crowd pleaser. With continual references to skin colour, this one watches his weight, works out at a gym and eats health food. One might be mistaken for comparing SBS to the equally common NeoNazi Skinhead found in Europe, but unlike the pale and unhealthy NeoNazi, this brothr has plenty of muscle and hair. Usually giganormous pecks and a kroes Afro behind which he can hide his black supremacist and African chauvinist views. As for the brother’s appetite on a weekend, not even a barrel of KFC will satisfy his belief that people like him deserve more.

6. Activist Activist (The Eternal Loser)

The people’s activist. Cast in many roles, always at demonstrations, or meetings. You find Activist Activist press ganged into nearly every role except of course, a real job. Having fallen for the ANC and its promises, not one of which the party will ever keep, Activist Activist labours under the delusion that he or she is helping the revolutionary activist layer. Truth be told, the revolutionaries upgraded themselves to business class years ago and dumped Activist Activist when he started reminding them of the good old days. Doh, your remember, the time when they said it was all about People’s Power, they meant Personal Power, or Other Peoples Power, or what was it all about again? Can anybody actually remember what happened even in the last five years?

7. Capitalist Communist Capitalist CCC TM PTY LTD patent pending

When in Rome does what the Romans do. Inhabits council chambers and portfolio committees. Can go from talking like a Communist to talking like a Capitalist in nought to 7 seconds. Equally well versed in Karl Marx and Adam Smith, never ceases to amaze with big sounding words and technical detail about the next phase of the “revolution in the commanding heights of the economy”. Eats sushi and nouvelle cuisine because it make him look good in eGoli, and wears suits because hey, that’s what they wear in Davos, and who knows, the World Bank may be watching. What CCC actually stands for, is Cutting Citizens Contract or Cool Cardboard Cutout. One dimensional and insincere about everything, including saving the planet.  Constantly eroding the social contract between citizen and state in favour of one giant corporation that can keep all those capitalist communists in pocket money. Thinks sustainable development = sustaining his own wallet; government = license to print money and democracy = opportunity to fleece the consumer.

8. Traditional Boozer (ANC Anonymous)
Having a tribal connection to the ancestors, most of whom were drunk on African beer, makes for an interesting dinner guest. This type of ANC cadre can polish off a bottle of whiskey in one sitting. In fact no amount of wine and beer will satisfy the spirits, which possess him whenever alcohol is near. Traditional Boozer has also been known to accept gifts from far and wide, including large corporations and other governments wanting favours. Isn’t this such a nice tradition? You scratch my back, I’ll wash yours and hey diddle de dee, we’re all such a merry bunch in the ANC.

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