Here are 10 ways to stop the war in the Middle East. Hope you enjoy them.
1. Send everyone to Sweden, where the girls are easy and nobody has to worry about not being good looking.
2. Turn the map upside down, that way the Middle East will no longer be in the Middle East.
3. Convert Jews, Christians and Muslims to an open-source Religion like Yo. That way, nobody will kill each other over proprietary code, yes those funny books they carry around are filled with code, that’s why they called it the Bible Code.
4. Drop leaflets announcing a massive Turban and Veil sale in East London, the Muslims will flock. Then do something similar over Jerusalem. Drop leaflets about massive savings on Gefilte Fish and Herring with a map and directions to Iceland. Jews will find themselves compelled to leave the city. Finally, let on that Jesus was actually Chinese, the Christians will be forced to scoot off to Beijing.
5. Send the Palestinians on an all-expenses paid holiday to Mauritius. Then steal their shoes and make off with the return tickets. They will find themselves demanding an independent state in the Middle of the Indian Ocean.
6. Sponsor Indian head massages for the Holocaust Survivors and hope the Israeli Army flakes out on incense and candles.
7. Create an advertising campaign around the return of the Messiah. Schedule a date for his return but instead leave instructions on how to build a giant space rocket. True seekers will be compelled to blast off into space.
8. Build an exact replica of Jerusalem in the Karoo desert but made out of better quality material. Hand it over to the faithful who will thank you for fulfilling lousy promises of ownership in the good books, and giving everybody better plumbing.
9. Better yet, develop a wayward timeshare scheme in which Muslims and Jews get to own the whole of Jerusalem 15 times over, then when they all start kibbitzing, offer them all a Bigger, Greater, Opportunity of a Lifetime, an even Buffer Jerusalem in a Disneyworld Themepark. They will realise the miraculous and thank you.
10. Israel can be the Palestinian Homeland every other day and vice versa. Run the relevant flags up and down vigorously and demonstrate how two countries can actually live as one. It worked in South Africa, hey, we even had a flag made out of four whole flags and some stitching, but that was during apartheid. You kidding me? I guess nobody’s perfect.
Here’s another: Given that the Dead Sea and surrounds are well beneath sea level, a canal/pipeline combo is installed to bring “normal” sea water in. For the first few years it generates hydroelectricity which is used to desalinate other sea water which helps green the remainder (above sea level). Meanwhile tbe massive new evaporative surface in the desert is changing the local climate to one of higher rainfall, with the resulting productivity alleviating local competition for resources.
Eventually, however, the water level reaches sea level, and the pipeline is submerged. Now craft can ply the canal from tbe Red Sea to a vast new shoreline. Also, some of the (global) sea-level rise due to global warming has been mitigated by letting in many cubic kilometres of water wbere air was before. The handsome bounty paid for this by the relevant international fund is used to buy all Israelis and Palestinians yachts, which they access via hundreds of new marinas. They are now too caught up in their new lifestyles to worry about all that twentieth-century stuff.